Who among us has not been a victim of its devastating grip? Fear used to have saving virtues, allowing man to survive in hostile conditions. It is the reptilian brain that commands it, ordering to attack or flee, but today the data is different because only ten percent of our fears are truly legitimate; the rest is information that is certainly not pleasant, but it is triggered by our perceptions of reality.
Alas, it is the main cause of vaginismus. When I ask women what they think caused their vaginismus, the answers vary, but what comes up often is the panic fear of penetration. They cannot imagine or accept that an object as huge as a penis can make its way into a hole as closed and fragile as the vagina! For them, it is simply inconceivable. While it is a completely false vision regarding coitus, there is also a change in the reality of things: a totally closed vagina against a gigantic penis, adding to that women who think their hymen is an impassable obstacle that totally blocks the entrance of their vagina. The normal result for vaginismic women having these images in mind is that they involuntarily contract the pelvic muscles.
Cultural Influences and Misconceptions
For Maghrebi women, the answers revolved mainly around the first time. In Arab culture, the hymen is sacralized; many of them think it will tear, explode, that there will be blood, and consequently, the pain will be insurmountable! These images of a horrible first penetration are reinforced by the entourage. Women who get married and share the unheard-of suffering of their wedding night are alas quite generous in the use of horror terms, something which reinforces the well-anchored idea that sex is the source of pain par excellence; desire and pleasure are never at the rendezvous, especially to describe the first time, and if that is the case, it is too late, because the terror is already well installed and has hardly the intention of being dethroned so quickly!
The Physiology of Fear
Fear is there when we feel a situation is escaping us. The basis was in cases of combat, of threat. Once confronted with this sensation, we automatically have a release of adrenaline and an acceleration of the heart rate with a jerkier breathing and muscular stiffness to prepare either for flight or confrontation, which are reactions anchored in our cells. For the vaginismic woman, coitus is a threat and the brain goes into combat mode, so there is a release of adrenaline and our adrenal glands will produce the same thing as well as cortisol, which is harmful to many of our organs.
Partner Dynamics and The Mystery of Pregnancy
The category of women having to undergo this fear differs according to the couple; when the partner is understanding, a surface sexuality settles in, he puts no pressure on her. He can be gentle with her and their sex life can prove quite active, but always on the surface; no penetration is envisaged and a sort of routine settles in. The worry in this kind of case is that years pass quickly and the situation hardly improves. It is the feeling of sexual guilt or the desire to have a child that pushes the person to seek solutions for vaginismus.
I want to clarify one thing: a good number of women I accompanied were able to have children and the problem was still there! They were able to use different methods: either they were able to let the glans pass and ejaculation at the entrance of the vagina allowed the egg to be fertilized, or the pipette method, or the desire to become a mother was so great that they had to dominate their fear for once.
I had a coachee, Salima, who managed to have two children with a single penetration to conceive each of them. I often teased her about this; it is as if she gave the order to her vagina: “Come on, open up, we are going to get pregnant tonight!”. The miracle with this person is that for the two unique penetrations, she managed to fall pregnant, a true enigma!
Many people ask the question: how can a woman who cannot let a simple penis pass give birth vaginally? There is an explanation for this: a vaginismic woman has a blockage regarding what enters her, not what comes out of her. Some of them whom I asked replied that “it is my little marvel, my baby is a gift from heaven and I will do everything to help him journey towards life”! The management of childbirth pains requires phenomenal strength and they manage to overcome it, but not a penetration. The mystery of our perceptions is unfathomable!
The Impact of Pressure and Relationships
The other category of vaginismic women is with husbands who put a lot of pressure on them and make them feel like less than nothing all the time. These are destroyed people, under the grip of fear daily; the physical and psychological damage is beyond description, they live with ultimatums: “Either you heal, or we divorce”! Vaginismus alone is a great pressure; when the partner adds to it, not only does healing become impossible, but the repercussions on physical and psychological health are truly enormous!
This pathology is there to make us grow; it is a trial for the woman and for the couple. Let us imagine that the person makes efforts to heal and her partner wants to leave her despite everything; it means she was not with the right companion. But if her man is patient, she must not abuse it; she must move and try to find solutions so as not to condemn their sexuality as a couple. In another scenario, supposing that one day this gentle partner rebels, especially if she does nothing to change the situation, she cannot really blame him. All religions agree on one point: when one is a couple, it is for better and for worse, which means they must support each other in all trials. When it is not an adequate person, vaginismus or any other difficulty can destroy the relationship because it was not solid initially.
The woman must heal from vaginismus for herself above all; it is her fight and her own demons that she must chase away to be free in her body and advance serenely in her life.
The “Letter of Breakup with Fear” Exercise
When I accompany vaginismic women, one of the flagship exercises I give them is to determine why they have the phobia of penetration. We try to dig to see how this terror manifests and to work in depth to determine the origin of her fears, listen to them—because it is a fundamental need—calm them, and then at the end, I give an exercise of a breakup letter with her sexual fears.
Here is an example of a letter, since it is very important for the psychological side to express everything one feels on paper; this symbolically allows one to externalize our frights to have the necessary hindsight to defeat them.
The exercise is as follows:
- You are going to read the letter, take the time to see the effect it has on you, and even note with a rested head everything you experienced.
- Secondly, you are going to write your own composition with your own words and reread it each time to firmly anchor its principles in your head and in your spirit.
- If ever the old ideas return, you listen to them, you accept their presence, you review your production, and you kindly ask the dark thoughts to clear off, because you have installed a new reality in your life.
Example Letter:
Fear! Our relations have lasted long enough!
You imprisoned my sex life, you closed the beauty of infinite possibilities by installing in my subconscious the fear of penetration. You made your way into my mind by making me believe that if the penis enters me, I will hurt so much, I might die from it! What a lie! I believed you and my muscles contracted. You were so cunning.
At first, it was whispers: “It huuuuuurts!!!!!!!!!!!” Then images describing an unreal tableau full of blood and pain started to be drawn clearer and clearer before me. You made a fool of me. I closed myself off and my femininity took a serious hit.
You continued your work of manipulation with patience: “The vagina is too tight, it is so small, how can a monster such as the penis make an intrusion into this small space?”. It is illogical! Once again I believed you. But how, in your opinion, can the baby pass through this same space that you dared to describe as being so narrow?
My vagina belongs to me. You said black, tight, obscure, full of pitfalls. You sowed doubt, you spoke of small sizes, of the hymen as a guardian forbidding the exploration of this magical organ.
But all that is over! I was able to face reality. A vagina is beautiful, vast, elastic, luminous, capable of letting life pass, capable of welcoming the penis with infinite pleasure, capable of opening like a flower to gather the sweet fruit of pleasure from repeated orgasms!
I am the daughter of a loving embrace, I came to earth by passing through this beautiful tunnel of desire, I ran a frantic race to go fertilize the egg, I won my place on earth, I want to give life in my turn, to enjoy, to profit!
I know that you, fear, you thought you were protecting me. But your name “PEUR” (Fear) means that you are a Perception Erronée d’Une Réalité (Erroneous Perception of a Reality). Today, I am going to correct this error. I replace pain with pleasure, tight with vast, black with luminous, doubt with certainty.
You, fear, I forgive you and I am going to eclipse you under the force of desire. God is love; I came to earth thanks to Him. I leave you behind me and I open myself to finally welcome the penis; I sigh with ease imagining the scene. My muscles relax automatically. How beautiful it is to be so light and to waltz to the rhythm of pleasure and enjoyment!
In your turn, you can draft with your own words a breakup letter with your fears to symbolically give them a form and know exactly who you are fighting against to come out a winner and triumph over your vaginismus.
