Our beliefs have a great influence on our lives. They direct our actions and inevitably create our results. Unfortunately, in Maghrebi culture, vaginismus is often attached to Tkaf, Tasfih, or “padlocking.” So, what does this word mean? How does it impact the sexuality of many Arab women? And what are the different solutions to this obstacle?
Understanding Tkaf and Tasfih
Tkaf or Tasfih is a curse cast upon a person to create every conceivable hindrance in their life. It operates as a true lockdown on positive prospects, leaving the door wide open for problems of all categories.
Sexual difficulties in a couple are often associated with this concept. For women, this translates to a closing of the perineum (vaginismus). For men, it can manifest as an inability to achieve an erection, meaning the sexual act cannot be concluded.
The Danger of Superstitions: A Story
I remember when I was in the north of Morocco, spending time with a remote tribe. There, these kinds of beliefs are so deeply anchored that one could never dream of changing their perspective!
There was once a wedding. As is customary, the festivities could last seven days. During all this time, the poor groom could not perform and achieve an erection during his nuptials, and everyone cried “Tkaf.” So, something had to be done to cancel it. The practice consisted of placing a basin under the person’s legs and bringing a type of metal called eldoun (lead), melting it, and then placing it directly into cold water under the victim, as if to extinguish the force of the cast spell.
For our poor gentleman, once the metal hit the water, it created a sort of explosion. Since he was not wearing underwear, all the hot material immediately stuck to his genitals, and he suffered severe burns, thus becoming the laughingstock of his entire village! Erroneous beliefs can lead to unsuspected extremes.
The Different Ways of Performing Tkaf
During my childhood, I often heard that the wedding night took place right after the ceremony and that the guests had to wait for the blood-stained trousers, proof of the bride’s purity. I found this practice absolutely barbaric! Where is the intimacy? How can the young bride relax with all those people watching outside?
I pitied those who had to go through that. Thank God, this belongs to a bygone era linked to a lack of education and civilization. This is no longer the case now, except in certain very remote regions. If the carnal act was not concluded that night, people cried “Tkaf,” and it became inherent to a failing sexuality in popular culture.
Among the specific means employed in this sense, we find above all the padlock, because it is the symbol of enclosure par excellence. If the newlyweds think this has been used against them, it is only natural that penetration does not succeed with such a belief!
There are mothers who, to preserve their daughter’s chastity, proceeded themselves with what is called Tasfih or Tkaf. The methods vary, but the result is the same: closure of the vagina. For these people, their offspring’s hymen must remain intact because the family honor rests on her frail shoulders, and this since her childhood! Her perineum, which constitutes her “memory card,” records everything and operates a real barrier to obey the law of her entourage, which translates into vaginismus.
Among these methods, we find: Tkaf with the heirs’ axe, Tasfih with the loom, or with birds, or even scarifications.
For Tasfih with the loom, the girl eats a date or a raisin, steps over the lower part of the loom, and solemnly pronounces the magic formula: — “I am a wall and the son of another is a thread.”
This action must be repeated seven times before saying that the person is “closed.” Afterward, she will be impenetrable, and whoever tries to approach her will be impotent. They will wait until the eve of the wedding to proceed with the “opening” via a new process.
There is another way to perform Tasfih, namely scarifications. It consists of making seven incisions on the young girl’s left knee. She pronounces the magic formula: — “Blood of my knee, close my hole!”
What is more logical than with such a conviction linked to such a powerful anchor at a young age, the little girl becomes a true vaginismic woman! She becomes a sexual instrument for her spouse, because the term “pleasure” is not part of her universe. She can escape this state of affairs if the partner, by a miracle, initiates her into the world of carnal enjoyment and possesses enough open-mindedness to want to satisfy her.
Unfortunately, in a macho society, many men, once their orgasm is reached, rarely seek that of their partner. When I was younger, I heard wives qualify sexuality as a “conjugal duty,” and I noted a certain pout of disgust the moment the subject was broached. It was very clear that these people did not enjoy sex at all and considered it in the same manner as any other responsibility incumbent upon them, like housework or a chore they would gladly do without!
Today, with the emancipation of women and the open-mindedness of men, this is also beginning to change. I see with many of the coachees I accompany that their husbands—even those coming from fairly macho cultures—are now seeking their wife’s satisfaction by all means, because they have finally understood that a fulfilled sexuality concerns both partners, and if she loves the carnal side, he will profit to the maximum!
Tkaf and Raquis: Widespread Practices
Many vaginismic women think directly of Tkaf, Marbout, or Tasfih as the cause of their difficulty in being penetrated. Therefore, it is not their fault; someone has harmed them by casting a spell, preventing them from enjoying their right to the fantasies of their dreams. Consequently, they absolve themselves of all responsibility, do not take matters into their own hands, and delegate their lives to someone else!
This is where the Raquis (men whose job is to read the Quran with the intention of delivering the person from any spell or simply giving them peace of soul) intervene. In recent years, this profession has grown and become very popular; an Arab anecdote says that currently, there are more Raquis than Djinns (spirits). There won’t be enough for everyone!
I want to clarify that there are Raquis who are completely honest and perform their work for the love of God. They propagate His word to soothe souls in distress. Whereas others have made a very lucrative business out of it and care little for the well-being of the people who come to see them.
My Mother’s Experience
My mother suffered a severe depression linked to Ekbom syndrome or delusional parasitosis. It is a rare pathology characterized by the unshakable certainty of having skin infested with insects or parasites. My mother hates this term; even though I found the diagnosis for her illness, she remains convinced that her body is inhabited by Djinns (supernatural creatures), and therefore, it is to the Raquis that she must turn.
She rejected all medications and doctors we consulted; she saw an enormous number of Raquis without result. She has an anchored belief that says the unbearable pain she feels is due to a curse. We try to reason with her, but it is a lost cause.
She went to a Raqui. His secretary asked her to pay about 50 euros before entering. Once inside, she found herself with many other women. The man started reading the Quran for everyone—nothing specific for any of his clients, identical treatment for all—and in ten minutes, “it’s good, you can leave.” The man makes more money than a medical specialist, and he holds the magic potion for all ills!!
I went with her one day to another Raqui. I was pregnant. There were two secretaries who were so unfriendly. They asked me to pay in advance, which I did. In the waiting room, we could hear the reading of the Quran and the bizarre screams of women inside to create legitimacy for their practice.
When our turn finally came, they forced me to put on a rag and cover myself from head to toe to be as ugly as possible; “Sir” must not be destabilized, knowing full well I was nine months pregnant and well-covered. My mother, even at the age of his own mother, was not allowed to enter alone—no woman can, by the way; they must all be accompanied. Sir cares about his reputation above all!
Our turn arrives; she starts talking to him about her symptoms, and I do too. He was a young man with shifty eyes, listening to us with a distracted ear; anyway, the treatment is identical for everyone! He asks her to sit at the back of the room, and after barely ten minutes of reading the Quran, it was over!
I was extremely disgusted. Ruthless people who couldn’t care less about the suffering of others. My poor mom might have listened to him if he had taken the time to tell her: “Madame, you have no Djinn, your problem is psychological.” But no, he did nothing of the sort. Anyway, her health and her well-being do not interest him; the essential thing is, of course, the money!
Her chronic depression lasted more than two years, and she spoke of suicide even though she is a deep believer. The psychologists we accompanied her to also didn’t take the time to talk to her properly; it was straight to antidepressants and “see you later!” I even went with her to a hypnotherapist who seemed completely overwhelmed by her state, and the moment he finished his session, he called me to explain that he hadn’t succeeded in accessing her subconscious, knowing well that the session was quite expensive!
When I started talking to him to understand, my mother shouted: “Kawtar, we have to leave!” and she threw at him: “She is breastfeeding, her daughter is waiting for her!” It was very clear that what he did with her had zero results and that she considered it a pure waste of time and money!
My mom is the prototype of many traditional Arab women. She is a person who had not installed the term “pleasure” in her life, nor the reward system. She was always oriented toward serving others, and when it came to sexuality, even if she didn’t speak of it openly, there was a real repulsion: she often blurted out, “Men are greedy and dirty!”
When she brushed her hair or showered, it was a sort of punishment; it was as if she were flagellating herself. It looked like she was going to tear her hair out each time without any pity, and self-love was nonexistent in her. I have a very fusion-like relationship with my mother, and I think my vaginismus also comes from the fact that I had recorded through her body language that sexuality is disgusting.
But now, with hindsight, I know that what happened to her is the natural consequence of her worldview. In recent years, there were serious problems in the family, and with each new case, she lived a state of stress and anxiety beyond the norm. With the accumulation, her body ended up creating many reflexes: it was successive illnesses, a sort of alarm mode that her brain had put in place to tell her to modify her reactions, to change her perceptions, and to control her fears which were so toxic because her spirit was tired of suffering—but in vain!
The ailments of the body are the words and speech of the soul, and if we do not listen, our system’s responses become increasingly violent. She accepted reluctantly to go with us to health professionals, knowing she didn’t trust them at all; the consequence is that she rejected the treatment and quickly found excuses not to continue. She hoped for a miracle cure, and her healer must necessarily be a Fquih or a Raqui.
The Exploitation of Vaginismus
Many women who have vaginismus take the path of Tkaf and go to Raquis, sometimes even psychics, and lose years going from one to another without result. I have dealt with people who had lost five years, seven years, and even ten years! following this path sown with pitfalls.
The last woman I spoke to told me she has been vaginismic for ten years and has consulted every possible Raqui without result. The last one showed humanity and declared to her: “Madame, your problem is psychological. Go consult a professional; you have lost enough time as it is!”
Some Raquis have become real criminals. This is the case for one of my coachees, Nezha. She married twice. The first relationship resisted vaginismus for a year and a half, and her husband asked for a divorce. For her second union, she decided to do everything not to relive a second failure. She had exhausted medical solutions with sexologists, psychologists, and Vagiwell dilators with no result, so she turned to Raquis.
She affirmed to me that in total, during her eight years of marriage, she spent approximately 10,000 euros. I asked her why the sum was so high. She declared that the Raquis demanded on average 1,000 to 1,500 euros, but the last one was the worst of all. He imposed 2,000 euros with a specific treatment: he proposed performing the dilation with his penis, writing scriptures on it and the same on her vagina, and proceeding to penetration. He demanded eight sessions. This is the height of charlatanism!
The lady reported to me: “An eighteen-year-old girl gave me the contact; she was vaginismic and was able to cure thanks to him!” I insisted with Nezha to see if there was a possibility to denounce him since he is a criminal profiting from women’s distress to abuse them. Alas, in this type of affair, proofs are needed. Despair can open a gaping door to treacherous behaviors, especially when the individual has sold his soul to the devil, which is so contradictory. A Raqui is supposed to be a representative of faith, a man of religion who helps and guides the faithful spiritually, not leading them straight to a hell on earth with remorse that will consume the person who indulges in these kinds of barbaric practices.
The Quran and Religious Discourses: Accessible Solutions
The Quran is the sacred book of God. It is there to soothe people, to put them in direct link with Him, the Creator of the universe. We do not need an intermediary to meet Him, and this is valid for all religions of the world: — “Ask and you shall receive!”
God is love, kindness, and mercy. He welcomes us with open arms; He loves us more than our own parents. No matter how many sins we commit, the door of repentance and forgiveness remains open, whereas our loved ones may tire at a certain degree of errors!
If, in the worst-case scenario, the person thinks they are a victim of Tkaf—which is extremely rare—the solutions are in the sacred book which is within their reach. She can perform her own Rokya (Ruqyah); it is a specific reading of certain Quranic verses. Think of God and ask Him for help. Aspire to this connection with the Creator which is saving and drives away all evils.
To protect oneself, one can read Surah Al-Fatiha, Al-Falaq, Surah Al-Nass, and Al-Kursi with fervor morning and evening. These are very short verses, but their benefits are extraordinary.
One can also play Surah Al-Baqarah or Rokya on the television or radio to purify the house. Also, place an open bottle of water while reading the Quran, because yes, water particles have a memory and can have healing virtues if the right words are pronounced. So be careful what you say when you want to eat or drink, because you can introduce poison into yourself with your words and even your thoughts. Vibrate towards the positive and you will have it!
Once the Rokya is finished, take the bottle, and after a shower, pour it over your body, but this water must fall into a basin, not into the drains. Water plants with it, since religiously it is holy water where the Quran has been read. Out of respect for its purified particles, it must be put on plants as it contains beautiful energy.
There is another solution: rock salt. It is often advised since it removes negative waves. In antiquity, it was considered a precious good; it was used as an offering to gods and in religious sacraments. Its monetary value was equal to gold! We continue to use it today to ward off negativity and chase away evil spirits. It is strongly advised to purify the house every two months, getting rid of old, unused objects to leave energetic space for novelty. Everything that stagnates brings negative waves with it. You can put salt in the corners of the house and renew it every month, or do a big cleaning with salt, which can be beneficial for the ambient energy in your home.
There is also massage with olive oil and Haba sawda, known as black seed (Nigella), which is very widespread in Arab culture.
I want to clarify that whatever the confession of the person—Muslim, Christian, or Jewish—God is unique for everyone. The connection with Him is open to all; one only has to go to meet Him. And above all, to believe in Him. He is omniscient and omnipresent.
So, once these possibilities are ruled out, take care of your vaginismus, get accompanied to go deep and resolve the psychological knots that may have caused this closure without your knowledge!
My Story with Tkaf
I lived with vaginismus for a year and a half. I had my share of disappointment and misunderstanding, because at a certain point, I had exhausted medical solutions with four gynecologists, a sexologist, and a psychologist, and I had no results.
One day, I went to a psychologist. When I explained my situation to her, she looked at me with a helpless air and replied: —”What do you want me to do for you?”
I was so bewildered that I answered her: —”Propose paths of deliverance to me!”
She sighed, took her prescription pad, and wrote down antidepressants. I immediately threw her rag into the trash afterward. I felt a mixture of anger, sadness, and disgust. What was I to become now? Despair set in, so I metamorphosed into easy prey for all other absurd possibilities!
First Contact with the Supernatural World
I went one day to my brother’s house. I didn’t know that a Raqui was coming to purify the house. He began reading the Quran quietly until one of my sisters whispered in his ear that a certain girl had not been able to consummate her union and was still a virgin after a year and a half of marriage!
The Raqui’s eyes shone brightly—finally, a prey worth the effort! He began to pronounce specific verses with a cavernous voice and a tone that would silence the most skeptical. He ordered me to stand up while repeating certain verses; I had the impression he was addressing the “Djinn of the vagina” that was inside me. His tone became louder, a real thunder that threatened to reduce me to a thousand pieces if I did not adhere to his world.
At one moment, his eyes bulged out of their sockets, and he said to my little Djinn: — “Get out!”
He scared me so much that I started to cry and tremble; I was on the verge of fainting! The theatrics were at their peak. I fell onto an armchair, completely collapsed, and he didn’t let up, endlessly repeating Quranic verses while ordering my Djinn to leave me in peace! Finally, very satisfied with his exploit, he declared proudly: —”This girl is possessed; a spell was cast on her.”
“No, sir,” screamed a voice inside me: “This young lady is terrified; you scared the life out of her!”
For me, it was the incarnation of a horror movie. I am the type who closes my eyes when the vampire suddenly attacks, so with the visual hypnosis session he gave me, imagine the impact!!
The Height of Charlatanism
Right there in front of us, he called his female collaborator, making sure to put it on speakerphone. He informed us that she is possessed, so she has a strong connection with the world beyond. The kind lady begged him at first to leave her alone, then after a few verses, her voice changed and became mocking and playful—a real episode of The Exorcist!
She affirmed that yes, I am possessed; the conversation was now between my Djinn and the Raqui. He asked her: —”Is it really you who put the obstacle so she cannot live her marriage normally?”
The Djinn replied: —”Of course, it is mandatory.”
Our man ordered him at the end to leave me in peace, or else he would make him pay. My frightened Djinn promised to leave, and our hero of the day was able to practice exorcism by telephone—a truly modern Raqui!!
Around me, everyone cast glances of pity at me. The poor thing! Her sex life is going to be really very complicated; the Djinns have meddled in it, and it risks lasting a long time.
I started to think the same thing, with the atmosphere to support it. All the ingredients were there to make me the victim par excellence! So it is not my responsibility nor my fault if I cannot dispose of my own body. The Raqui will find the solution for this vaginismus that has ruined my life! I was relieved in a way.
He stated that I would need many sessions to free myself once and for all from this grip. A surge of rebellion rose in me. I thought: Society has its say on my sexuality, the family, religion, and now the afterlife? That’s it, I surrender!!
Once I left my brother’s house, my analytical mind took over. My emotions gradually dissipated, and I began to face facts. This is total delirium; I am not going to put my existence into the hands of such individuals. This is not my reality, and I do not want it to become so!
I never wanted to deal with that charlatan again; I determined to widen the field of possibilities. If the specialists here couldn’t help me, I would go beyond borders to find the solution.
The Path to Healing and a New Mission
I started surfing the internet, and there, I found the solution I needed: a vaginismus healing program that has liberated an enormous number of women around the world. I took this remedy; I was guided by a wonderful person, Gracy Salé, a true pearl of sweetness and benevolence. I was able to finish with the problem after a month and a half, and I discovered a gift from heaven: accompaniment in healing vaginismus.
I succeeded in rescuing plenty of people in my turn; it is a true life mission. By studying coaching, NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming), and psychotherapy, I discovered how exciting this discipline is.
I started working in the field and was able to put things in place like the questionnaire and the startup call, as well as end-of-pillar forms to take stock and a sort of evaluation of acquisitions. Since I am a trainer, I put my pedagogical knowledge at the service of this mission: audiovisuals, hypnosis, guided visualizations, technical exercises regarding the first penetration, and the use of dilators.
There were also the Livestreams we did as a foursome with Sarra Madani, Annisa, and Gracy, who are now part of the program, because they are rich in information and have liberated many vaginismic women. We did these live videos out of the goodness of our hearts, despite the geographical distance between the four of us, but our relationship was very solid. We loved each other very much and aspired to help a maximum number of people through our presence on the networks. Whether the women were in the project or not, we really wanted to see them delivered from this burden.
I collaborated a lot with Gracy for the creation of content that was necessary for the progress of our girls; we even started giving group coaching together. It was exceptional; we had an enormous number of remissions! Ideas came one after another; there were moments where it kept me awake at night, I was so inhabited by this need to soothe these souls in distress. The healing of each one of them is sincerely mine, and I am transported with joy every time!
I believe I will continue to do this for a long time, because liberating women, giving them access to their bodies, and seeing them fulfilled is a blessing for me.
I learned later that our Raqui had become insane, schizophrenic (literally, not figuratively), because he was polygamous. It is said that his wives, out of excessive jealousy, cast a spell on him. Pipe dream or reality? The truth lies elsewhere!
